© 2008/previously published in Aggressive Magazine, Summer 2009
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In this male-driven society, masculinity is more valuable than a bar of platinum. Any threat to a guy’s manhood, regardless of how slight, can affect how he’s treated by others and ultimately how he views himself. And likewise, any threat to a woman’s femininity can affect how she’s treated, because her level of femininity is linked to how secure a man feels in his manhood. Think about how a man reacts to a woman telling him she’s not interested in him because she’s gay. To him, that’s a drop in her level of femininity and a blow to his manhood – even if she really isn’t his type. Just the fact that he’s considered “unnecessary” to her without a chance to challenge it is in direct conflict with how he feels as a man. The intuitive goal a man has in life is to protect his manhood, his masculinity – to make sure he’s not seen as weak or considered a punk. Just spend a few hours watching that group of guys hanging at the corner store or listen to what’s playing on your radio. We all know that the clothes a man wears, the car he drives, the jewelry he’s sporting and even his physique and fighting skills reflect his level of masculinity. Men will say that the aforementioned are for attracting the ever-materialistic woman. And there is some truth in that, I won’t lie. But it can all be traced back to that unseen group who decided what was considered a “respectable man”. Masculinity = Respectable Man. Men want to be it, and women are taught to want it.
Of course, in the area of sex and relationships, a man’s masculinity is most important. The one group that is severely affected by this is the gay man. The idea of a man romancing, loving and having sex with another man is seen as direct conflict with masculinity. Think about it, one of the very first questions a gay man is asked is, “Who’s the top?” Even if being gay is a threat, the idea of a man beingfucked is even more so. Gay men who are tops are seen in a better light than their bottom counterparts because they have maintained some level of their assertiveness, their aggression…their masculinity. This can be traced back to the days of Ancient Greece where the act of sex played a huge part in the rules of power. It was simple: those who had dicks, and used them, had the power. A Greek man, as head of his household, could fuck anyone he wanted; females, other males (slaves or lower-class citizens), and hell, even animals. But as long as he was doing the penetrating, he had the power. A “real” Greek man would never succumb to another man.
I bet you don’t think this subject is really relevant to the lesbian community, with the exception that, as women, we are, of course, natural victims to this distorted view of society. And as lesbians, we’re even more used to being judged and persecuted due to our refusal to abide by social expectations. So, of course, since we don’t want to be with men, the last thing we’d care about is bruising a man’s ego or being a threat to his masculinity. But, unfortunately, it’s not a “he” that we need to be concerned about. This line of thinking, this necessity to maintain masculinity, is not bound to just men, gay or straight.
If asked, any person on the street will tell you that a lesbian butch is a woman who is emulating a man. We in the community know that, in actually, a butch or stud is a woman that happens to be masculine-oriented, and as nature dictates, will emulate what she sees as “masculine”, in order to express herself. This goes beyond shopping in the men’s section, low hair cuts, acts of chivalry and possibly strapping on dicks in order to fuck. It is self-identification; trying to understand where you, as a masculine-oriented bio-born woman, can fit in a society that is trying to be black and white, when there are more grey areas than your average storm cloud.
I won’t even attempt to step into the headspace of an Aggressive. The duality of both masculine and feminine in one mind and body is too intricate to explore in one article. This article is about the complexity of being a woman yet still succumbing to the pitfalls in which men can find themselves. That despite being outside of society’s rat race in regards to masculinity and maintaining a social standing, the lesbian butch has managed to take on one of the biggest hang-ups that men face today. The misconception is that since the aggressive woman is essentially a woman, her views, her hang-ups in regard to herself and society will coincide with the average woman. But that is not always the case.
Example? I give you the stud-on-stud relationship.
Ever since the early twentieth century, when the terms “butch” and “femme” first became part of the homosexual world, there has been controversy. The rollercoaster of acceptable forms of relationships between women has twisted and turned depending on politics and the social tolerance of the day. Between the ‘40s and ‘60s, the average lesbian couple was the butch-femme, with strong emphasis on the proper roles in the relationship, leaving the femme-femme and butch-butch couples considered taboo. As the late ‘60s and ‘70s rolled around with the feminist movement, it was the butch-femme couple being deemed inappropriate and singled out as heterosexual copycats. The femme-femme and androgynous couples were prominent; both more “swallow-able” examples of lesbianism that society could handle. It wasn’t until the ‘90s that butch-femme relationships were no longer underground, and with the help of society’s slow-growing acceptance of the multi-faceted images of women, the butch woman has made a comeback. But she has come back with baggage.
Along with emulating society’s ideal view of masculinity, as any masculine-oriented human would, the lesbian butch has somehow inherited the straight man’s insecurities. Just as the straight man is wary of any threats to his masculinity and his standing in society, due to his actions and behavior, so has the lesbian butch. And just as the straight man denounces the gay man, as an example of this threat, so too has the lesbian butch in regards to butch-butch attractions. Yet, this is not a mentality that is solely of the aggressive woman. Society views the straight man in regards to his level of masculinity, and so too has our community come to view the lesbian butch. We are not only judging her on her level of masculinity, but how and who she loves. How is it that a group of women can mirror the same insecurities and suffer the same prejudices as men? Why is the threat to masculinity so great and detrimental that it even transcends gender?
This is why we are here. In this article, we are speaking to Kelequien aka “Cherokee Prince” and Nay aka “Romeo”, our featured stud-stud couple; Kane, the father of the House of Confiaren, a community for studs who date studs; Stephanie aka “GEN{LUVZ}FRU”, a stud who prefers to date studs; and Naya’Hri Suhalia, a self-described genderqueer who is attracted to studs. Aggressives who, despite the community prejudice and hang-ups, have managed to stay true to who they are and be with who they lust and love. We’re here to explore their thoughts, understand their experiences, and hopefully dispel at least some of the negative stigma that is associated with stud-stud relationships. Even though we are basically talking about two women who are attracted to each other, which is the definition of a lesbian, it seems the main argument in our community is the inability to understand stud-stud relationships.
“I think it’s difficult for people to understand stud-on-stud relationships because there’s a ‘role’ issue in their mind that one partner has to be dominant and the other has to be submissive,” Stephanie comments. “I don’t believe that at all. I believe that whatever your identity [is], a relationship is more successful when the key elements of communication and trust are instilled, as opposed to some stupid ‘role’ assignment.”
Kane agrees, “They see two dominate females and think it’s just like two dudes. ‘What are they gonna do with each other?’ – number one line from certain studs.”
Stephanie and Kane do have a point. One of the top reasons given in opposition to stud-stud relationships is the idea of two dominates or tops being together. For some it’s difficult to understand how two aggressive personalities can co-exist in one relationship. We’re raised on the mentality of balance in relationships; there needs to be a dominate and a submissive, a masculine and a feminine. We believe there needs to be a representation of both for a relationship to work. Could it be that we’re wrong in our thinking? Are we unable to leave behind the mentality of the Ancient Greeks and are stuck in an old-fashioned view of the mechanics of relationships?
For Naya’Hri, it is that cut and dry. “The brutal truth would be that people (and while we’re at it let’s get specific - LESBIANS) don’t (or refuse to) understand stud-on-stud [relationships] because their need to hold on to obsolete and heterosexually-copycat behavior keeps them from being able to evolve beyond the oppressive place which they stand.”
Oppressive or not, our community is certainly in a place that is puzzling. The gay community as a whole is known for welcoming diversity, yet this resistance to the stud-stud relationship exists, and to the point that couples do experience open negative reaction…from within the community.
“I once knew a beautiful, young stud-on-stud couple that were very much in love, but cracked under the pressure they faced,” tells Naya’Hri. “What angered me most about that situation is that many of the bad reactions to their relationship came from other lesbians; the very women that pride themselves on being our ‘peers’.”
“When I first came out, I got ‘Yuck, that’s nasty’ or ‘It’s not even cute’, along with a bunch of childish crap,” Kane remembers. “How I handle it? Simple – I don’t let it get to me. I don’t have time to be ashamed of liking studs just because someone else don’t like it.”
“I just tell people that if they can’t at least respect my relationship, then they need to keep it movin’.” Stephanie adds, “Sometimes people want an explanation. I don’t mind clarifying some obscured views and opinions, but as far as an actual explanation, nah, man…get outta here with that. If I was to ask a stud-femme couple to explain their attractions to each other, I would get no explanation because it’s not my business.”
For Kelequien it’s a bit different. “This is all new to me,” she admits. “Romeo is the first stud I have ever been attracted too, so I haven’t really dealt with too much negativity, aside from the occasional double-takes [laughs], or the confused looks. In the beginning I thought I would have a hard time accepting us, or have a hard time showing public affection, but honestly it doesn’t even faze me. I love her, and she loves me, and that’s beautiful.”
And when asked where the negativity came from most; other studs or femmes, the responses were surprising.
“Studs,” Nay says easily. “Because, I guess, they feel like it takes away from their ‘stud’ status, [their] so-called manhood. ‘Too gay’ for them.”
“About fifty-fifty,” Stephanie answers. “If a stud or a femme comes at me with a question about my preference, their reaction is basically calling me a fag. Um, hello?! Aren’t we gay already? Don’t we as a society have enough criticism already? How about a little support? We’re all women. Under the big clothes, me and my girl are exactly that - girls, women, females, lesbians.”
For Naya’Hri it’s deeper than that. “I have been bringing attention to the stud-on-stud [relationship] factor of the lesbian community for almost ten years, and in that time what I have found is that not only has much of the intolerance for stud-on-stud [relationships] come from other masculine-identified women; it has come from African-American studs. I’ll be frank; Caucasian lesbians aren’t as concerned with stud-on-stud [relationships] as we are and haven’t been since around the same time as the Women’s Liberation Movement of the 1960’s, where as it was only about fifteen years ago that femme-femme relationships became tolerated and ultimately accepted among black lesbians, and roughly ten years since ‘versatile’ relationships became somewhat well-received. What accounts for much of stud-on-stud resistance is fear. Fear from studs that may have at one point been attracted to another stud but wouldn’t admit or act on those feelings to avoid persecution from their ‘friends’. Fear of being seen as ‘too gay’, a ‘faggot’ or not a ‘real’ stud.”
“‘Two studs together, that’s gay’. The number one dumbest line I ever heard.” Kane adds.
Everyone raises a very interesting point. The phrases “too gay” or “super gay” have been mentioned more than a few times in reference to stud-stud relationships. The internalized homophobia that we originally felt during our initial years discovering our homosexuality has taken an interesting turn. How is it that we, as lesbians, view a subculture in our community as “too” gay? And you never hear this in reference to femme-femme relationships. Despite its lack of support during the mid-century, the femme-femme couple has been society’s new shiny toy of “alternative lifestyles”, even with the occasional community criticism of being “too welcomed” in mainstream society for the same reason that they also work: the femme lesbian is playing by society’s rules by being feminine. Of course, by not playing by society’s rules, the masculine woman has not only found herself being ostracized by the straight community, but by loving another masculine woman, she has somehow found herself just as ostracized in the lesbian community. Accepting her masculinity yet also loving in a way that threatens that masculinity has put her in an unpopular position.
And it’s no secret that the resistance against the stud-stud relationship is stronger in the African-American and Hispanic communities as Naya’Hri mentioned. While images of androgynous and masculine-oriented Caucasian couples can appear everywhere in the lesbian community from awareness campaigns to lesbian-created pornography, their counterparts in minority cultures is almost non-existent. Of course, this is a well-known situation in the gay male community, as gay men who are Caucasian are definitely more visible than any other race. The African-American and Hispanic gay male has only recently come to the mainstream light thanks to literary works of authors like E. Lynn Harris, and the discovery of the “down-low brotha”, sparking a movement by these communities to really examine what was, even to this day, subconsciously still dismissed as a “white thang”.
If the core resistance to homosexuality is the ever-present threat to masculinity, why is it not as important of an issue to Caucasians? If we agree that masculinity represents social standing in society, is it possible that the African-American and Hispanic cultures, after decades of oppression and racial mistreatment, have so internalized our fear of losing standing in society that we have allowed it to affect how we express our love?
When asked if they felt their attraction to other Aggressives threatened their masculinity, the answers were mixed.
Stephanie makes it very clear. “I am secure in my masculinity. It’s my skin to live in. I only have to please myself and my family (meaning my girl and our son).”
“No,” Nay replies. “It brought it out more because most studs are competitive and it’s more of a challenge when someone has the same demeanor as you.”
“Not at all,” Kane says with a smirk. “It just made me more dominate than I already am. It just gave me more of a boost, which made me feel overly dominate. I just love how a stud makes me feel when they’re walking beside me, hugging me, kissing me, being that backbone that I need for real, for real. I just feel complete love when they challenge me [laughs]. I like how they make my mind frame feel, if that makes any sense.”
But for Kelequien, it was harder. “Yes, sometimes I still have a problem with it,” she says honestly. “Because, I know it’s hard to believe, but at one point I was…‘a touch me not’, and over the years I have changed so much, and to now be in love with a stud. There would be some things I would refuse to do; like sing or dance for her, because in my mind, I was a boi - a stud. And she is a boi – [a] stud. I was only used to doing those types of seductive things for femmes. Also, I was so used to being the dominant one. I had to learn to be submissive. So, yes I felt it threatened my masculinity.”
And, not surprisingly, due to the social expectation of balance in a relationship, an Aggressive might find herself masking her masculinity in order to be with who she’s attracted to. Naya’Hri confessed that she found herself in that trap. “I did feel as though being attracted to studs threatened my masculinity during my teenage years because I felt like I had to be something that I completely wasn’t (a femme) in order to attract what I desired (a stud). I had to tell half-truths (being a girly girl 24/7) in order to make butches like me. These were very depressing times for me. It is only in recent years (and even more so in the past eight months of my life) that I realize that my attraction threatened the masculinity of the other stud, not mine! They weren’t ready to be in a relationship free of most of the unofficial boundaries many studs exist within. And that’s okay. Being openly stud-for-stud has now empowered my masculinity. I no longer have to tell half-truths.”
So, if we, as a society, recognize that this expectation of the ideal definition of masculinity is unrealistic, why does it still continue? Why do we still allow ourselves to conform to these rules and roles that were created centuries before our time? If we, as the lesbian community have been striving for decades to show the rest of the world that there is no one way to love and to celebrate the beauty of diversity in life, why can’t we allow that for ourselves? Is it possible that one day we’ll be able to get past the prejudice and internalized homophobia, and truly be able to celebrate who we are; women who love women, regardless of the combination? I hope so.
And despite the differences in their experiences, all of the Aggressives were united in the one thing they want from our community. They’re tired of the ignorance and want what we all want: acceptance. And what do they ultimate want the community to know or to understand about stud-stud relationships?
“Not to knock till they try it.” Nay says. “It may not be for you but don’t put down others that it may be for. We as a lesbian community already get grief and are discriminated by heterosexuals we don’t need it from our own too.”
“Why add to the hate?” Stephanie adds. “Stud-on-stud couples are not any different than a ‘normal’ lesbian relationship (what ever that is). We are women who like women. The only thing that separates stud-on-stud couples from the rest of the lesbian community is that we are aggressive women who are attracted to other aggressive women. Don’t discriminate against us. Support us. It’s about unity, not separation.”
Kelequien’s resolve is absolute. “Honestly, I really do not care about people’s opinions because there is always gonna be a group of close-minded people in the world. I used to be one of them, and the only thing that has opened my eyes is my feelings and attraction to Romeo. True love is a blessing no matter what your sexuality is, your gender or your label.”
Naya’Hri agrees. “[The] stud-on-stud [relationship] is not a threat, but simply another evolution among the lesbian community. They are still lesbians. Understand that stud-on-stud women don’t need hate from their own folks; they need that same support and ‘equality’ that many of us claim to be fighting so damn hard for. Even if one doesn’t personally agree with stud-on-stud, their preference should not come at the detriment of those that are stud-on-stud or are stud-on-stud supportive. We have enough hypocrites walking (and leading) among us. We need no more. Mostly, quit trippin’. You secretly wanna be one of us any way!”
Kane sums it up perfectly. “It’s your life and no one is living it but you. Don’t sit around caring what other’s think about you, or what other’s feel is wrong. If you know in your heart that you are attracted to studs, and you are a stud, go for it, because [there are] so many closeted studs-for-studs and they have them femme girlfriends, and their shawties don’t have a clue, then the drama comes. It’s crazy. Who got time for that mess? Tomorrow is not promised. With that being said, you live not to regret anything, and I don’t regret being a stud-for-stud, and you shouldn’t either.”
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by D. Alexandria